Giving my basset hounds a bath - it's raining so what do I do? Fill up a big plastic tub in the shower and then capture a dog. Herding bricks. This is harder than you think. They are wise to this and can make themselves weigh more than they do - at will. I call it "bricking down" - a pact with gravity. I heave one into the tiled shower and wet him down with a pail full of water continually dipping into the tub, then lather the pup up. He doesn't look happy. Basset hounds have a sad look anyway (which belies their usual merry nature) but when they *try* to look sad then it's just plain pitiful. One photo could get you to send money to the "save the leftover burgers" campaign.

Now he's trying everything in his power to escape. Soapy dogs held by knees in a vice are a chiropractor's vacation cruise fund. When I'm all done I rinse him off. Sometimes there's not enough water left in the tub to rinse thoroughly so I have to turn on the shower. Alert! High adrenaline count escalated by primitive survival instinct causes break in gravity pact and paws to attach to ceiling. He will try to escape at all costs. After he is rinsed I leave the room (not easy) and go drink a beer or something while he howls and drips dry. Then I towel him off and let him out into the house and put on Marty Robbins' "Ballad of the Alamo" (he really likes this song for some reason) and watch him chase his tail and ricochet off the furniture - glad to be clean but not hip to cause and effect. Now, next dog.

So all this got me to thinking. I would really like a drive-in dogwash and barbecue. Like The Courts of Lulu. Drop the dog off at the first window and place your order for ribs and an orange crush then drive to the next window for barbecue pick-up. Then park in the shade and eat - maybe there could be some musical entertainment too. (There used to be a laundromat in McComb Mississippi that was a barbecue place, bar, and laundromat combined - The Courts of Lulu - people would wash their clothes and then mess them up again right there before they left). Then you could drive around to the other side of the building to another window where they hand you your fluffy, perfumed pet and a towelette.

Mary Apple finds a dog's toenail in her pork combo and dreams of Paris.