Gambling

So we have gambling in our fair state now. I never went until my step-mother died, and then I started watching over my father, and he likes to go to the casino every now and then. Now, first of all, let me say that we have all won in Natchez. I have been twice and won twice and my husband has been once and won once and my father has been once and won big. We're a 100 percent in Natchez. We also ate at the Stanton Hall Carriage House and had the best mint juleps, fried chicken, and biscuits that ever there was. But it's three hours away.

But we all lose in Biloxi.

Now we go to Mary Mahoney's in Biloxi to eat and the Grand Casino to gamble. Even on my new diet I had broiled red snapper (the food of the Gods!), steamed broccoli, and a salad, and lost no ground. Just an aside, they have ice in the urinals at Mary Mahoney's so I've been told. Someone told me they couldn't decide whether to dig for a coke or pee.

I can't figure out how to win at gambling. Today I had around $200 left of my Christmas money and started out playing the quarter slots. To win anything big you have to bet the maximum bet which is three quarters. Or if you're playing the dollar slots it's three dollars. Your money can go away really fast but when you win it can also pile up really fast. I like to play those slots where there's a bit extra going on (like doublin' up in poker). You can hit on something which will allow you to go to a "spin the wheel" no-lose thing where you sit while it decides if you win $15.00 or $1,200. Now which do you think it chooses?

I want to be a grown-up and play the tables. I want to play blackjack! I played blackjack in Kansas City at the Ramada Inn with Albert Collins (yes, THE Albert Collins) once, and that's hard to top. We just paid for chips and drinks and played, but since gambling is illegal there we couldn't win anything. Albert was cool. His whole band was there. Phareaux told him he should have an album called "The Iceman Cometh" and then later on he did!

Anyway, back to gambling. Sometimes I start out saying, "If this machine does not pay back anything by the time I lose $20 then I'm moving on to another one that won't pay anything by the time I lose another $20. So then I move on to several more machines and usually leave my players card and have to go back and look for it and ask over and over, "Is that your card?"

Sometimes when I'm playing one of those progressive slots (today it would have paid $1,433,000) I think of what I will do if all the bells and whistles go off. It will NOT catch me off-guard. You know how all those people who win say they looked away or something and didn't see it all coming and then the bells and whistles just went off and SURPRISED THEM?! Well, this won't happen to me cause I am paying attention. I will KNOW.

Each time I think I'll be generous and give all my money away and be so gracious and precious. I also think of how I will clear part of my land (AND CLAIM IT BACK FROM THE MISSISSIPPI SUB-TROPICAL KATRINA JUNGLE) and will pay off my house and *sometimes* in my wildest dreams I will start a record company! I'll have to sign someone other than myself cause I'm lazy. I start thinking of all my friends and which ones I will sign. THIS IS GREAT FUN! Then I wonder if I win if I'll have to do promotional pictures for the casino and tell them what I'm going to do with the money. In this case I really would like to wait to win until my hair grows out some.

Anyway, when we first get to the casino I'm always looking around to see if anyone is going to mug us in the parking lot, but when we're leaving I don't give it a thought.

And I would like to say that the waiter who kept bringing me bloody Marys and calling me "baby" was just precious and very attractive.